Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
How wrong was this guy?