Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment