Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
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Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
My birth announcement for our third baby
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.