Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.