Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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me: but it says it RIGHT HERE, philippians 4:13 “i can do all things through christ who strengthens me”
priest: ok again, the lord is not going to help you [sighs] “get hella laid”
I’m about to risk it all
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
saying “eat the rich”
-makes people think you’re a cannibal
saying “ok boomer”
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.