@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

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@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.

@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?

@TheMichaelRock

[at restaurant]]

8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?

Me: because..

Wife *evil glare*

Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.

@notfaizzy

Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.

Cat: *meow*

@simoncholland

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

@skittle624

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

@fro_vo

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

@hiplingo

Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.