If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
8yo: why does mom eat half of your food?
Wife *evil glare*
Me *terrified* because I don’t want it.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
any yall looking to wake up with some organs missing
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Follow your dream, then Unfollow it if it doesn’t Follow you back within 48 hours.