@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

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@shkeeber

“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

@_SingleBabyMama

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

@Elizasoul80

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

@daemonic3

daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao

@DurtMcHurtt

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@geraintgriffith

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

@Bob_Janke

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

@Playing_Dad

Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course

@bridger_w

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh