Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.