@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

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@JimmerThatisAll

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

@3sunzzz

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

@LnL245

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

@E_lok44

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

@LittleMissAngr1

I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.

@_wendyb07

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

@MNateShyamalan

women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”

@DebraMuffin

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

@TweetsByTheTony

*runs away from it all*

*runs back*

*grabs phone charger*

*runs away from it all again*