Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”
I can’t wink with my right eye. Please stand to the left of me for optimal flirting.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*runs away from it all*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*