Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You Might Also Like
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
New Tinder profile.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*