“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.


I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.


Girls are just like pasta. Throw her against the wall, if she sticks, she’s ready.


Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*




Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?


Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”


My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.


ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.


I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”


Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.

She: And yet you don’t shut up.


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination