“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.