@thepatrickwalsh

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

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@VerifiedDrunk

2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets

@KelFocker

A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”

@iGreenMonk

“Doctor, Doctor, You’ve got to help me – I just can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a lot?”

“Not really – I spill most of it!”

@rockymomax

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

@lovemydogduck

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

@jenlapcomedy

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

@jus4golf

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: *hits her sister*

Me: Keep your hands to yourself.

5:

Me:

5: *kicks*

Me: And your feet.

5:

Me:

5: *headbutts*