Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
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my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I feel seen.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT