Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.


You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.


WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?


*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.


This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.


Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.