@TheToddWilliams

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

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@beccafacexo

How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.

@TweetsByTheTony

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

@LoveNLunchmeat

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

@NicestHippo

WIFE: I can’t take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart!
ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?

@GinAndJif

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

@delusions_of

This could be the expired methamphetamines talking but yeah, I’d love to babysit your kids.

@realHamOnWry

Dogs are the best listeners. They always look interested and never interrupt your story with how the same thing happened to them.