stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait