Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
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Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
💻🤡
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away