The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Unimpressed
Dudes named Chance never had one.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.