Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Hotels are back
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
philosophical skeletons be like
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
selfie game
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.