Be yourself.
Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.

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*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*


Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!


Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…


[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then


Hangman was my favorite childhood learning game that promoted hanging someone for a wrong answer.


wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*


[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover


I didn’t post that copyright notice thing on my Facebook and I’ve already seen SIX of MY photos of me with my casseroles in BMW commercials


*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*