How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
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He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…