BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!