[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
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A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Good news
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.