[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!