[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
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How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
is this how new cars are made??
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*