Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
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I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
when nothing goes right… go left
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.