Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
You Might Also Like
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about