@obijawn

Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35

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@rob1792

Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”

@reroutingnow

[Today’s work from home fun]

Customer: I PAY $100 WITH [company] WHY WOULD I PAY MORE WITH YOU AND WASTE MY MONEY!?!!!

Me: I don’t know sir..you’re the one who called in

@Reverend_Scott

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

@TomTheWicked

*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*

*tweets*

*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

@_xLNc

I always have too much month left at the end of my money.

@JasonLastname

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

@BuckyIsotope

Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not