Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
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[Today’s work from home fun]
Customer: I PAY $100 WITH [company] WHY WOULD I PAY MORE WITH YOU AND WASTE MY MONEY!?!!!
Me: I don’t know sir..you’re the one who called in
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
*puts kid in tub*
*forgets about kid*
*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I always have too much month left at the end of my money.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not