No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
one time this girl pulled me close & said “I’m the girl your mom warned you about” & I said “so you chose bulbasaur as your starter pokemon”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes