[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
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Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Ha.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
how long have you had this for?
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.