Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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Attention children:
Mom is closed.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
My current situation
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog