Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
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My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”