Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
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HOES BE LIKE
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan
Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.