@fro_vo

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

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@thevaginadiary

I used to think sex in those apocalyptic movies was so dumb cuz who would want sex when everything’s going to shit? I do, I want sex.. I changed my mind.

@knot_eye

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

@3sunzzz

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

@Book_Krazy

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

@shutupmikeginn

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@BriarSly

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

@BoomBoomBetty

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.