@fro_vo

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

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@PleaseBeGneiss

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

@HatfieldAnne

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

@EndhooS

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

@QuinOShea

When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.

@thatguyJA

My minivan has this cool anti-theft system called its a minivan

@philyuck

Hi I’m here for my vasectomy.
“Would you like that toasted?”
What?
“Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let’s do this.”

@BonaFideIntent

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

@funnybeachgirl

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.