Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.

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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks


[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan


Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.


What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.


GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya


[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*

What the!? A cheesy board!?



Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no


Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.


Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.