@Sirrruh

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.

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@juneohara65

“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”

~my mother after a few drinks

@trojansauce

[day after trying sushi for the first time]
ME: *putting frozen chicken nuggets on table*
WIFE: this isn’t cooke-
ME: it’s sushi, susan

@causticbob

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

@heroinsdemise

What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

@AndyAsAdjective

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

@knot_eye

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

@Shen_the_Bird

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

@offbeatoliv

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

@gitson_shiggles

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.