I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
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WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Not the best name for an apple employee.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol