Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
You Might Also Like
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo