“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

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Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless


ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u


Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.


Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break


muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators


They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.


I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.


Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it


Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is