“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

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therapist: u suffer from social isolation

me: oh no

therapist: you just need to talk to people

me: OH NO


Thinking about this time I went to dinner with friends and they complimented my “side ponytail” but I had no intention of having a “side ponytail”


“Not yet.”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
-Deer crossing the road


What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?


HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep


“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means


” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium


[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar