@jimmytorosian

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

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@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@jonnysun

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

@KentWGraham

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

@Book_Krazy

Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage

Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break

@redsunO21

muppets have front facing eyes and are therefore predators

@WilliamAder

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

@SlipperySecret

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

@Marlebean

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

@MelvinofYork

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is