I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
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The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
LMAO
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.