BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body