Beards are a privilege, not a right
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.