“You’re gonna die in 7 days”
[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems
aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim