Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
me when the borders lift
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.