@Elizasoul80

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

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@SJSchauer

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

@fuckthem00n

your astrological sign + what’s to blame for all your problems

aries: the moon
taurus: the moon
gemini: the moon
cancer: the moon
leo: the moon
virgo: the moon
libra: the moon
scorpio: being a scorpio
sagittarius: the moon
capricorn: the moon
aquarius: the moon
pisces: the moon

@ArfMeasures

Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong

Me: I know!

Mechanic: Your car’s fine though

Me: ok cool

@RandomAntics

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

@spaceboyriley

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

@daemonic3

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

@sarabellab123

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

@MeatloafComedy

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

@AudreyPorne

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim