Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.