Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
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How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle