Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
You Might Also Like
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..