@KyleMcDowell86

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

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@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@thenatewolf

Wife: how was the doctor?

Me: bad I’m dying

Wife: I know, how was the doctor?

@nishadtrivedi

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

@VodkaShorebird

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

@FuckabillyRex

Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share

@E_lok44

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

@JustMeTurtle

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.

@dlockw21

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”