“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Wife: how was the doctor?
Me: bad I’m dying
Wife: I know, how was the doctor?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Her: Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Me: It’s a meatball sub and I’m happy as long as I don’t have to share
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”