“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*puts words between two asterisks*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.