@TheToddWilliams

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

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@CelebrityGaucho

[Spelling bee, to clench victory]

“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”

Judges?

(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)

Correct.

@gingerfaced

What do you mean you were really drunk? I already changed my Facebook relationship status for you.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

@thestlouisan

I just want to have enough followers so that my children can tweet comfortably for the rest of their lives.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: I have what they call animal magnetism.

H: *sidles up to me*
*winks* Oh yeah?

M: Uh-huh. *points to squirrel affixed to stray cat*

@rachelle_mandik

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

@Smug_Lemur

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

@J_Illunninati

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

@AristotlesNZ

You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?

@DevilryFun

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.