[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.