@matt___nelson

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

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@joejwest

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@WhaJoTalkinBout

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

@stewteee

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

@notalogin

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

@mikefossey

(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)

@fuzzlime

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@benmekler

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food