*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

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COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend


[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone


her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it


Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth


Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.


(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)


too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk


Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute


If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food