COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
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Falling coconuts kill more people than falling sharks.
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
her: I named my baby Susan
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
(I get an amber alert for a missing child) OK its my time to shine (I get in my car and back out without looking and instantly hit the kid)
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food