*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
You Might Also Like
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after