Ever since childhood I’ve identified as a hippo. While other kids were playing, I savagely mauled villagers. #TransSpecies
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Why I don’t get dates:
Her: It’s been light-years since I’ve had this much fun
Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans
None that I can think of
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Moaning and gasping “Give it to me baby!” during a prostate exam will leave you looking for a new doctor.
Anybody know one?