*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
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“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Natty or not?
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Usage Guidelines
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars