[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones
Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*fires up juicer
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor
Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?