*smashes bag of Oreos
*pours on top of salad
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired
HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired
ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.
whos laughing now?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?