@rajandelman

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

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@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

@Reverend_Scott

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

@Marcisgoinham

Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones

Then I realize, of course you can, I’m in your backyard

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@markydoodoo

[House Hunters]

*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@UnFitz

My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.

@MaverickBistro

Cop: We’re sorry to tell you but it looks like your wife was run over by a tractor

Husband: Well yeah, but she has a great personality

@Whatevah_Amy

Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒