@rajandelman

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

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@ThaJawn

*smashes bag of Oreos

*pours on top of salad

@Sickayduh

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired

HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired

ME: I’m getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra

@mjkspeaks

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

@PetrickSara

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

@amazymay72x

sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card.

whos laughing now?

@jordan_stratton

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

@TheTalkingPipe

This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.

@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

@TheBoydP

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?