[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

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Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.


me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”


me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”


Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.


[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly


2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser


Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.


[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers


Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day


To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.