[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
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Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger