Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Ellen degeneres, one of the greatest humans on earth
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Kristen Stewart is proof that if you’re making a face and someone slaps you on the back it will get stuck like that forever.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.