If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Support your local cemetery
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay