@Up2Long

Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

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@daskidcoppi

The first rule of elevator club is don’t talk to other members of elevator club.

@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

@drivingmemadi

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

@THEDUTHCHESS

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

@robdelaney

I have never “cat called” a woman. I go home, paint her from memory & then yell at the painting. It’s called respect.

@Paul_Eaton1

Everyone knows someone in real life that actually resembles a garden gnome.

@OneStopComedy

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

@TEXASVETERAN

Do you want to know how to keep a dummy intrigued?

I’ll tweet it tomorrow.

@Mr_Kapowski

If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often