Beautiful women following me on Twitter is screwing up my perception of who will talk to me in RL. A trip to Walmart should fix that.

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Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’


Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”


Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.




me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda


How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.


Nothing terrifies me more than hearing, “Mommy close your eyes I have a present.”


HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.


We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas


My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.