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The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.