Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.