Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.