[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*


[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*


- @ElleOhHell

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One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.


Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*


Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.


I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.


BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong


ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.


We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair


“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”