I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*
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*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I thought I’d lost my sense of taste for a few awful, spiraling minutes but it turns out I just accidentally put unsalted butter on my toast. My heart rate should return to normal maybe next year.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Great ad placement for a funeral director.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.