@ElleOhHell

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

- @ElleOhHell

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@sammyrhodes

One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.

@Brettagher

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

@VerbsRProudest

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

@funflaps

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

@ClichedOut

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”