@ElleOhHell

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

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@johncheese

I want to hire someone to wake me up each morning by bursting into my room and yelling, “Get dressed and grab your gun — they found him.”

@lisaxy424

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

@goodtimenoel

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

@FeralCrone

I thought I’d lost my sense of taste for a few awful, spiraling minutes but it turns out I just accidentally put unsalted butter on my toast. My heart rate should return to normal maybe next year.

@Cycloptomese

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

@carlyken

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@AGreaterMonster

I feel bad I punched that guy, but he shouldn’t get so close to my punching bag. I should stop leaving my punching bag by my office door.