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@ElleOhHell: [Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*
@SortaBad: My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
@chuuew: As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won't activate the touch screen, I'm long gone.
@WilliamRodgers: I "accidentally" washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again.... Yeah Accident
@sandjoeman: I'd like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
@tedtheboi: Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren't home
Me: Are they coming back with food??