[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
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Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”