Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.

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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.


HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling


Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!

Let’s mock them.


No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.


Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.



So, why do you want to be a judge?

*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”


[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work


I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’