As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Unless that beholder is your mom cause we all know that doesn’t count.
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Some people are doing stuff with their lives!!
Let’s mock them.
No that’s not popcorn popping, it’s just the way my body sounds when I stand up.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The Silence of the Lambs.
So, why do you want to be a judge?
*Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* “To fight crime”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’