Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
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Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Yup.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!