*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.
I was married for 6 years.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?
Parenthood. It’s for you