Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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dads on road-trips be like
Tuesday
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have