Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
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THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!