@OhNoSheTwitnt

Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

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@HiddenPinky

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

@theSolemnBard

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@pittdave13

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

@shopkins776

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you